O’Reilly: Fellas, no bloviating. We’re here without our lawyers so we can commiserate about the rough treatment the lying liberal media are heaping on us. You and I know that boys will be boys and it’s mostly a bunch of locker room talk, and if we happen to score with a blonde, then it’s good for her too. It’s a win-win. Right?
All: Right, here, here!! Misogyny forever. Good looking, status seeking women love to feel the hands of power on their privates. Right, right, right, right!!
Harvey: O’Reilly, I need a thirty-second chance to make sure that all my consensual contacts actually were consensual. You know how you can get carried away in a lustful moment and maybe grope before you look at the law? I mean, that one woman had me swear on my kids’ lives that I would be a gentleman. And then I still couldn’t help myself. She was just too smokin’ hot not to grope. She got a bigger part in my next movie, and I got what I wanted. Fair exchange of goods if you ask me. I was a lawyer in the Air Force, so I know a thing or two about the law.
All: Sure!! We feel you, Harvey. Where’s the forgiveness and redemption like the leftist media gave Obama and Clinton. I mean, at least Clinton was a groper and what happened to him? Nothing.
Bill 2: Well, hold, hold on a second. I was still a t.v. dad when the Clintons were in office. Bill got an ass whuppin’ from Ken Starr and the Republicans. Remember? All those women who testified against him. I mean the list went way past Monica Lewinsky and the blue dress.
Bill 1: It’s disgusting what he did to the name of Bill, making it synonymous with rapist. Reprehensible. I am paying now for his sins, and I ‘m mad at God. When I get back on the air, I’m going to run this through the No Spin Zone and redeem the good name of Bills everywhere. I can’t wait to spin my pen around as I sloganeer pompously. God I loved that smarmy smirky version of myself. Chicks dug it too, I know. Ole Billy Blue Eyes will be back, b.a.c.k., BACK!!
Roger: Billy Boy, you were as bad as I was, so don’t get all sanctimonious on me. It’s just your bimbos didn’t go to the press like that headline grabbing Gretchen Carlson did with me. They took the money without the noise. Bartender, a round of doubles for my friends. Don, straight tonic water?
Donald: The trouble with you dickheads is you got caught. In all my ghost written books a predator hero is someone who doesn’t get captured. Sure, there will be accusers, but that just makes it juicier the next time you grab’em down there. You know, break them down into a ‘he said, she said’ deal. I never lose when it comes to making deals. You guys need better lawyers. Remember that woman on the plane? I said she was a 5 out of 10 and unworthy of my gropes. Worked like a charm.
Roger: Whoa, Donnie Boy. You have a list of accusers a mile long. Why doesn’t this fecal matter stick to you?
Don: Simple: hit me and I hit back harder. Never back down. Go on the attack. Hire minions who will bleed for you. Fire them for frivolous reasons. Demand loyalty without giving any. Keep them worried and they will bleed more for you. Never ever tell the truth. Train yourself to believe in your own lies so you can pass a polygraph that your name truly is Abe Lincoln or Joseph Stalin. It works like a charm. Of course, a giant I.Q., big hands, good looks and ten billion dollars doesn’t hurt, believe me. I’m a pathological liar. You have to go into battle without the possibility of defeat ever entering your mind….
Cosby: But you never served, Bone Spur Defer. Remember?
Don: Fake news, Bill. I served deep under covers in New York’s Vice Squad all during the war. The fire fights were hot and heavy in five star hotels. I couldn’t march, but I could crawl to fulfill my patriotic duties. Believe me, my generals will confirm my story. My service files are sealed along with my taxes, however. But you? I didn’t see you in ‘Nam.
Cosby: Navy. Before ‘Nam after Korea, Donnie.
Don: Well, you sure have a list. What is it up to? 50?
Cosby: Now some of that was consensual after the drug cocktails and they could no longer legally consent.
Don: I’m at least at 500 without any drugs or alcohol. You’re minor league. Stars don’t need consent. My lawyer told me that.
Roger: I may be dead, but I too had a three digit record when I was alive. All real blondes.
Harvey: You got off easy, Roger. I am suffering now. It’s not fair. I was always the bully, the power broker. Now I’m getting bent over and abused. It’s not right. I may go to ja-ja-jail. I am a veteran and a former public servant, plus I made some damn good movies. That’s got to count for something.
Roger: I feel like the Ghost of Christmas future, Harvey. We are all forgettable men who have lived regrettable lives. We drove our shiny privileges into lust filled pig sties.
Harvey: So I’m supposed to go buy Tiny Tim the Christmas turkey now, Roger? Is that how it ends?
O’Reilly: I’m writing my next book called Who Killed Tiny Tim? Got to do something between lawsuits. I miss bloviating so much.
Cosby: Get used to it, fellas. I can’t even sell Jell-O pudding any more. Might have to sell my sweater collection.
All: Shhh!! Someone just came through the door. Who’s there? Show yourself. We are five armed angry men. And one of us is dead.
Anthony Weiner: It’s just me, guys. I’m here to do maintenance. Where’s the men’s room? Understand there’s a clogged toilet, full of self righteous toilet paper proclamations of innocence and misunderstanding.
All: You sicko!! What you did was so beneath us, you whack job. You gave dirtbags a worser reputation. You have a lot of nerve just being in our presence. What if the press gets a whiff of this?
Anthony Weiner: I suppose they’d report that pigs smell exactly how you’d expect them to smell, like spoiled egg salad. Like us. Where’s that toilet?