552. Law Suits Are Made for Walking

Image result for frank sinatra picturesSo I’m listening to the Moldy Oldies station on the way home from work today, after a belly full of indigestible chunks of Trump chumps and punks all week, when Nancy Sinatra’s only hit song came on, These Boots Are Made for Walking. For a moment I thought of how less than her talent was, so much less than big Frank. And Frank Sinatra, Jr. was stuck in the same also ran gutter. His big song was Something Stupid Like I Love You. My mind did a comparison between a real talent Persona, Frank Sinatra with all of his Mafia brand arrogance, and Donald Trump, Mr. No Talent Reality T.V. Guy, with all his Russian Mafia buddies. A couple of  shady narcissists full of bravado and multiple wives and girlfriends, surrounded by lawyers and scandals and the stench of fetid morality served on gold-rimmed stoneware.

Image result for trump children picturesAnd their offspring? Donald’s sons are what you might expect of trees planted in the shade of a sunlight-hogging grandiose chestnut father… lacking something or other, born on third base and absolutely convinced they’d hit triples. Unfruitful and spindly. Then there is the First Daughter, the whole daddy/daughter dynamic is too creepy to think about, and the other daughter who seems to be hidden away from the lime lights. What’s with that deal? And poor baby Barron must endure them all, like a stuffed Tigger chew toy.

Image result for sinatra children picturesFrankie Boy had three legitimate kids, as Wikipedia diplomatically states the case. None of his kids really achieved much. No matter for today’s exam, except for Nancy’s song. As the lyrics high stepped on by, I thought of a word change or two that would make her peppy song even more contemptuous and contemporary.

Here is the original.

You keep saying you got something for me
Something you call love but confess
You’ve been a’messin’ where you shouldn’t ‘ve been a’messin’
And now someone else is getting all your best
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These boots are made for walking
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
You keep lyin’ when you oughta be truthin’
You keep losing when you oughta not bet
You keep samin’ when you oughta be a’changin’
Now what’s right is right but you ain’t been right yetImage result for psychotic gif
These boots are made for walking
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
You keep playing where you shouldn’t be playing
And you keep thinking that you’ll never get burnt (HAH)
I just found me a brand new box of matches (YEAH)
And what he knows you ain’t had time to learnImage result for matches igniting gif
These boots are made for walking,
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
Are you ready, boots? Start walkin’
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These lyrics are not Grade A Prime, I will grant you that. However, the song stuck around for its melodic pop, I suppose. Maybe it was the miniskirt catwalk video. Folks, it was 1966!!!
I imagined Melania in a tall pair of chic, soft leather knee high boots, pouty lips and squinty eyes, tossing her hair back, singing to the Donald in her saucy Slavic accent, as the grease fitted hinges swung on the exit door at the White House yet again. “Good Bye, You Yellow Preek Toad.”
Melania Trump Then I realized how unlikely such a scene would be. She made her bed, so to speak, long ago. Likely has her own non disclosure agreement that includes loss of U.S. citizenship if she should speak her truths. Exile to Guantanamo Bay. Nope, she’s not gonna sing that song to Donald from behind bars in Cuba.
It’s just too creepy to have Ivanka lip synch the lyrics, especially in the miniskirt. Her mom Ivana? Nah. Marla Maples? That yacht has sailed. Hmmmm. I know. How about Stormy Daniels? With just a tweak or two.
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You’ve been saying you’ve got something on me. (Like a lawsuit? Or an NDA?)
Something you call fair but confess
You went messin’ where you shouldn’t ‘ve been messin’
Now Michael Cohen’s cleanin up the rest
Law suits are made for trumpin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days law suits are gonna thump all over you.
Stormy does a little foxtrot here, and then returns to the narrative while smuggling manatees out of Florida disguised as Volkswagen Beetles.Related image
You’ve keep lyin’ when you oughta be truthin’
You keep losin’ when you oughta not bet
You keep shamin’ when you oughta be changin’
Now right is right, but you aint been right yet
Law suits are made for trumpin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days law suits are gonna thump all over you
At this point I imagine Michael Cohen and other Trumpian sychophants rushing in to do a chorus line in cowboy boots, ten gallon hats, and silk tassels.
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With so many former White House employees at the unemployment office these days, all they need is a choreographer to work out a line dance or two. It could be a combination of Whack a Mole and Bingo in Motion with the right game card.
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The game is virtually unwinnable because it’s a moving target, and the Bingo chips melt as soon as you place them down. Meanwhile the definition of chaos is redefined as a mud wrestling business strategy where Emperor Donald gives thumbs up or down over the fools who enter the stadium. If you ever disagree with his majesty’s itty bitty self esteem, so long.
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Comey, McCabe, Tillerson, Flynn, Cohn, Omarosa, Spicey, Hopey, Porter, McFarland, Bannon, Priebus, Gorka, Moochi, Price, Dearborn, Manafort, Gates, Lewandowski, Papadopoulos,and a host of others less well known. Let me think: He was only gonna get the best people, all of whom could not wait to work for the Donna. And yet, these awesomest of awesomenosity need to quit or get fired in Twitter world for displeasing Donna, the Prima Donna. And this was just Round One.Image result for trump bingo card of faces
You can’t have it both ways: either Donna was stupid for hiring them then, or he’s stupid for firing them now. You don’t fire the so called all stars of America’s team. You fire the coach in this instance.
Are you ready boots?  Start walkin’.Image result for cowboy boots walking gif Faster, the lawsuits are comin’. Giddyup.
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547. Type III Diabetes Alert: Urgent Release

Image result for doctor photosMy doctor told me I had to bring my cholesterol and detesterol levels down. He suggested no more Trump rants, cautioning me that continuing to snipe at the Trump Train could lead to Type III Diabetes.  I was not familiar with Type III, so he schooled me.Image result for diabetes posters

Diabetes is a disease in which your blood glucose, or blood sugar, levels are too high. Glucose comes from the foods you eat or from the lying liberal media input. Insulin is a hormone that helps the glucose get into your cells to give them energy, i.e. intelligence. With type 1 diabetes, your body does not make insulin. Like Fox News its molecules spin fruitlessly right. With type 2 diabetes, also known as CNN, the more common type, your body does not make or use insulin well, and spins left at dizzying emotional speeds. Without enough insulin, the glucose stays in your blood, making you a dumb blood or a saccharine sweet, so dogs may lick you excessively at summer political gatherings. You can also have prediabetes. This means that your blood sugar is higher than normal but not high enough to be called diabetes. Your best treatment at this stage is to blow up your t.v., throw away your paper, move to the country, build you a home. Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches, try and find Jesus on your own.

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Okay, I was following along fairly well, but I was impatient to get to Type III. He said it is code for, well, here…

Image result for gothic number 3's calligraphyType 3 diabetes is a title that has been proposed for Alzheimer’s disease which results from resistance to insulin, i.e. intelligence, in the brain. In other words, facts like insulin, cannot get into the cells of your brain that do critical thinking, leaving the Type 3 Diabetic stuttering helplessly like the village idiot on a national level.Related image

Who knew?  Very carefully he explained in non political terminology that high exposure levels to chaos, moral corruption, gas lighting, double talk, out right lies, arrogance, narcissism, bloviating, xenophobia, crass lack of tact, intellectual dishonesty, misogyny, reality television politics, etc. could actually scar my brain with little orange-headed plaque platelets which would cause me to think in defensive, reactive, pre-toddler like ways.

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He suggested that if my results were positive, I may want to build a wall around my yard and round up undocumented squirrels or possums, ya know? and toss them into my neighbor’s pool. I might find myself ceaselessly repeating myself like a drunk fifth grader, or say the same thing over and over as if I were intoxicated in the grade after fourth. I might also want to grab women by their celebrity status, cuz I’m a star.

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Whereas type 1 and type 2 diabetes are characterized by hyperglycemia (increased blood sugar), a separate study, carried out by the University of Pennsylvania and published in 2012, excluded people with a history of diabetes, indicating that Trumpheimer’s Mania can develop without the presence of significant hyperglycemia in the brain. So even if a Type III Diabetes victim seems to know the day and time and year, he/she could be undergoing seismic synaptic seizures, without any detectable symptoms. According to Dr. Chen Wan Ho, researcher at Cornell Psychiatric Barometrics, “These patients demonstrate grand mal seizures at rumba speed while simultaneously experiencing grandiose beliefs of a racial/cultural  purity and manifest destiny”.Image result for mountains shaking gif

My doctor noted that often Type III Diabetes, commonly referred to as Trumpmania, begins as a sort of sugar high in which simple solutions are offered for complex problems. By analogy, he explained it’s similar to a liquid manure spreader that sucks up a thousand gallons of liquefied cow excrement that then sprays and spreads it on a hundred acres with or without Russian trolls helping. “The odor of hypocrisy is what helps us differentiate it from regular high sugar manure”, asserted Dr. Leonid Chernobyl of Leningrad University’s research commissariat. “In Ukraine we add beets to the mixture for local tastes. In either case, the stink is so bad, no one wants to investigate. It’s a brilliant evolutionary adaptation.”Igor Kostin: Chernobyl - The Aftermath

Type III sufferers are given to three and four word verbal tics that sound like campaign slogans… Make America Great Again and Drain the Swamp are chanted by Type III sufferers in unison at Diabetes 3 rallies, for which there is no cure. Lock Her Up and Build the Wall are likewise bellowed aloud as if from a Tourette’s Disorder convention choir.  Hold my Beer and Save my Guns are also familiar choral chants of DB3 patients. It is worth noting that many in these gatherings stare blindly at bright shiny objects and whirl dervishly, while spasmodically nodding to silent cadences. When interviewed after these quasi-religious ceremonies, some congregants reported that they weren’t sure who the HER was, but later in a separate study most believed She was either Eleanor Roosevelt or Marie Antoinette with a tan. Most believed HER to be a Russian communist drag queen in either case.Image result for drag queen images

Occasionally the Type III sufferer will experience fits of paranoia, spouting conspiracy theories about other conspiracy theories. “When guns are outlawed, only Jesus will have guns if we don’t close our borders.” Or something like that. “Immigrants are taking our jobs overseas. Why just look at the migrant farmers; they’re all Mexicans. Stealing our jobs and apples.” “Somehow Crooked Hillary and Obama hired a bunch of strippers and porn stars to allegedly have affairs with the Donald, which his lawyer paid to silence but then the evil Democrats exposed it all. But I don’t believe a bit of all this Fake News. Anyway, who cares? God Bless America.” “I don’t care if he did shoot Thomas Jefferson dead on Fifth Avenue; I love him like a moose loves Mussolini.”Image result for trump i love the poorly educated gif

It’s plain to see that Type III Diabetes is ravaging our populace and it’s all because of Obama. But you can help us fund critical research to combat the spread of DB3. For just a $40 tax deductible contribution you can join other soon-to-be committed Wing Nuts and purchase a Red White and Blue DB3 tee shirt. If you love Merle Haggard, NASCAR, Jesus, John Wayne, your momma, and Barbeque, you’ll love the DB3 collectible all cotton Trump tankini. For only $25 more you can add a matching “You’re Fired!” MAGA ball cap. Order yours now.

So adorable and chokably loyal.

Thank you, my fellow patriots.

Dr. Evil, MD

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