547. Type III Diabetes Alert: Urgent Release

Image result for doctor photosMy doctor told me I had to bring my cholesterol and detesterol levels down. He suggested no more Trump rants, cautioning me that continuing to snipe at the Trump Train could lead to Type III Diabetes.  I was not familiar with Type III, so he schooled me.Image result for diabetes posters

Diabetes is a disease in which your blood glucose, or blood sugar, levels are too high. Glucose comes from the foods you eat or from the lying liberal media input. Insulin is a hormone that helps the glucose get into your cells to give them energy, i.e. intelligence. With type 1 diabetes, your body does not make insulin. Like Fox News its molecules spin fruitlessly right. With type 2 diabetes, also known as CNN, the more common type, your body does not make or use insulin well, and spins left at dizzying emotional speeds. Without enough insulin, the glucose stays in your blood, making you a dumb blood or a saccharine sweet, so dogs may lick you excessively at summer political gatherings. You can also have prediabetes. This means that your blood sugar is higher than normal but not high enough to be called diabetes. Your best treatment at this stage is to blow up your t.v., throw away your paper, move to the country, build you a home. Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches, try and find Jesus on your own.

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Okay, I was following along fairly well, but I was impatient to get to Type III. He said it is code for, well, here…

Image result for gothic number 3's calligraphyType 3 diabetes is a title that has been proposed for Alzheimer’s disease which results from resistance to insulin, i.e. intelligence, in the brain. In other words, facts like insulin, cannot get into the cells of your brain that do critical thinking, leaving the Type 3 Diabetic stuttering helplessly like the village idiot on a national level.Related image

Who knew?  Very carefully he explained in non political terminology that high exposure levels to chaos, moral corruption, gas lighting, double talk, out right lies, arrogance, narcissism, bloviating, xenophobia, crass lack of tact, intellectual dishonesty, misogyny, reality television politics, etc. could actually scar my brain with little orange-headed plaque platelets which would cause me to think in defensive, reactive, pre-toddler like ways.

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He suggested that if my results were positive, I may want to build a wall around my yard and round up undocumented squirrels or possums, ya know? and toss them into my neighbor’s pool. I might find myself ceaselessly repeating myself like a drunk fifth grader, or say the same thing over and over as if I were intoxicated in the grade after fourth. I might also want to grab women by their celebrity status, cuz I’m a star.

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Whereas type 1 and type 2 diabetes are characterized by hyperglycemia (increased blood sugar), a separate study, carried out by the University of Pennsylvania and published in 2012, excluded people with a history of diabetes, indicating that Trumpheimer’s Mania can develop without the presence of significant hyperglycemia in the brain. So even if a Type III Diabetes victim seems to know the day and time and year, he/she could be undergoing seismic synaptic seizures, without any detectable symptoms. According to Dr. Chen Wan Ho, researcher at Cornell Psychiatric Barometrics, “These patients demonstrate grand mal seizures at rumba speed while simultaneously experiencing grandiose beliefs of a racial/cultural  purity and manifest destiny”.Image result for mountains shaking gif

My doctor noted that often Type III Diabetes, commonly referred to as Trumpmania, begins as a sort of sugar high in which simple solutions are offered for complex problems. By analogy, he explained it’s similar to a liquid manure spreader that sucks up a thousand gallons of liquefied cow excrement that then sprays and spreads it on a hundred acres with or without Russian trolls helping. “The odor of hypocrisy is what helps us differentiate it from regular high sugar manure”, asserted Dr. Leonid Chernobyl of Leningrad University’s research commissariat. “In Ukraine we add beets to the mixture for local tastes. In either case, the stink is so bad, no one wants to investigate. It’s a brilliant evolutionary adaptation.”Igor Kostin: Chernobyl - The Aftermath

Type III sufferers are given to three and four word verbal tics that sound like campaign slogans… Make America Great Again and Drain the Swamp are chanted by Type III sufferers in unison at Diabetes 3 rallies, for which there is no cure. Lock Her Up and Build the Wall are likewise bellowed aloud as if from a Tourette’s Disorder convention choir.  Hold my Beer and Save my Guns are also familiar choral chants of DB3 patients. It is worth noting that many in these gatherings stare blindly at bright shiny objects and whirl dervishly, while spasmodically nodding to silent cadences. When interviewed after these quasi-religious ceremonies, some congregants reported that they weren’t sure who the HER was, but later in a separate study most believed She was either Eleanor Roosevelt or Marie Antoinette with a tan. Most believed HER to be a Russian communist drag queen in either case.Image result for drag queen images

Occasionally the Type III sufferer will experience fits of paranoia, spouting conspiracy theories about other conspiracy theories. “When guns are outlawed, only Jesus will have guns if we don’t close our borders.” Or something like that. “Immigrants are taking our jobs overseas. Why just look at the migrant farmers; they’re all Mexicans. Stealing our jobs and apples.” “Somehow Crooked Hillary and Obama hired a bunch of strippers and porn stars to allegedly have affairs with the Donald, which his lawyer paid to silence but then the evil Democrats exposed it all. But I don’t believe a bit of all this Fake News. Anyway, who cares? God Bless America.” “I don’t care if he did shoot Thomas Jefferson dead on Fifth Avenue; I love him like a moose loves Mussolini.”Image result for trump i love the poorly educated gif

It’s plain to see that Type III Diabetes is ravaging our populace and it’s all because of Obama. But you can help us fund critical research to combat the spread of DB3. For just a $40 tax deductible contribution you can join other soon-to-be committed Wing Nuts and purchase a Red White and Blue DB3 tee shirt. If you love Merle Haggard, NASCAR, Jesus, John Wayne, your momma, and Barbeque, you’ll love the DB3 collectible all cotton Trump tankini. For only $25 more you can add a matching “You’re Fired!” MAGA ball cap. Order yours now.

So adorable and chokably loyal.

Thank you, my fellow patriots.

Dr. Evil, MD

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