547. Type III Diabetes Alert: Urgent Release

Image result for doctor photosMy doctor told me I had to bring my cholesterol and detesterol levels down. He suggested no more Trump rants, cautioning me that continuing to snipe at the Trump Train could lead to Type III Diabetes.  I was not familiar with Type III, so he schooled me.Image result for diabetes posters

Diabetes is a disease in which your blood glucose, or blood sugar, levels are too high. Glucose comes from the foods you eat or from the lying liberal media input. Insulin is a hormone that helps the glucose get into your cells to give them energy, i.e. intelligence. With type 1 diabetes, your body does not make insulin. Like Fox News its molecules spin fruitlessly right. With type 2 diabetes, also known as CNN, the more common type, your body does not make or use insulin well, and spins left at dizzying emotional speeds. Without enough insulin, the glucose stays in your blood, making you a dumb blood or a saccharine sweet, so dogs may lick you excessively at summer political gatherings. You can also have prediabetes. This means that your blood sugar is higher than normal but not high enough to be called diabetes. Your best treatment at this stage is to blow up your t.v., throw away your paper, move to the country, build you a home. Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches, try and find Jesus on your own.

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Okay, I was following along fairly well, but I was impatient to get to Type III. He said it is code for, well, here…

Image result for gothic number 3's calligraphyType 3 diabetes is a title that has been proposed for Alzheimer’s disease which results from resistance to insulin, i.e. intelligence, in the brain. In other words, facts like insulin, cannot get into the cells of your brain that do critical thinking, leaving the Type 3 Diabetic stuttering helplessly like the village idiot on a national level.Related image

Who knew?  Very carefully he explained in non political terminology that high exposure levels to chaos, moral corruption, gas lighting, double talk, out right lies, arrogance, narcissism, bloviating, xenophobia, crass lack of tact, intellectual dishonesty, misogyny, reality television politics, etc. could actually scar my brain with little orange-headed plaque platelets which would cause me to think in defensive, reactive, pre-toddler like ways.

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He suggested that if my results were positive, I may want to build a wall around my yard and round up undocumented squirrels or possums, ya know? and toss them into my neighbor’s pool. I might find myself ceaselessly repeating myself like a drunk fifth grader, or say the same thing over and over as if I were intoxicated in the grade after fourth. I might also want to grab women by their celebrity status, cuz I’m a star.

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Whereas type 1 and type 2 diabetes are characterized by hyperglycemia (increased blood sugar), a separate study, carried out by the University of Pennsylvania and published in 2012, excluded people with a history of diabetes, indicating that Trumpheimer’s Mania can develop without the presence of significant hyperglycemia in the brain. So even if a Type III Diabetes victim seems to know the day and time and year, he/she could be undergoing seismic synaptic seizures, without any detectable symptoms. According to Dr. Chen Wan Ho, researcher at Cornell Psychiatric Barometrics, “These patients demonstrate grand mal seizures at rumba speed while simultaneously experiencing grandiose beliefs of a racial/cultural  purity and manifest destiny”.Image result for mountains shaking gif

My doctor noted that often Type III Diabetes, commonly referred to as Trumpmania, begins as a sort of sugar high in which simple solutions are offered for complex problems. By analogy, he explained it’s similar to a liquid manure spreader that sucks up a thousand gallons of liquefied cow excrement that then sprays and spreads it on a hundred acres with or without Russian trolls helping. “The odor of hypocrisy is what helps us differentiate it from regular high sugar manure”, asserted Dr. Leonid Chernobyl of Leningrad University’s research commissariat. “In Ukraine we add beets to the mixture for local tastes. In either case, the stink is so bad, no one wants to investigate. It’s a brilliant evolutionary adaptation.”Igor Kostin: Chernobyl - The Aftermath

Type III sufferers are given to three and four word verbal tics that sound like campaign slogans… Make America Great Again and Drain the Swamp are chanted by Type III sufferers in unison at Diabetes 3 rallies, for which there is no cure. Lock Her Up and Build the Wall are likewise bellowed aloud as if from a Tourette’s Disorder convention choir.  Hold my Beer and Save my Guns are also familiar choral chants of DB3 patients. It is worth noting that many in these gatherings stare blindly at bright shiny objects and whirl dervishly, while spasmodically nodding to silent cadences. When interviewed after these quasi-religious ceremonies, some congregants reported that they weren’t sure who the HER was, but later in a separate study most believed She was either Eleanor Roosevelt or Marie Antoinette with a tan. Most believed HER to be a Russian communist drag queen in either case.Image result for drag queen images

Occasionally the Type III sufferer will experience fits of paranoia, spouting conspiracy theories about other conspiracy theories. “When guns are outlawed, only Jesus will have guns if we don’t close our borders.” Or something like that. “Immigrants are taking our jobs overseas. Why just look at the migrant farmers; they’re all Mexicans. Stealing our jobs and apples.” “Somehow Crooked Hillary and Obama hired a bunch of strippers and porn stars to allegedly have affairs with the Donald, which his lawyer paid to silence but then the evil Democrats exposed it all. But I don’t believe a bit of all this Fake News. Anyway, who cares? God Bless America.” “I don’t care if he did shoot Thomas Jefferson dead on Fifth Avenue; I love him like a moose loves Mussolini.”Image result for trump i love the poorly educated gif

It’s plain to see that Type III Diabetes is ravaging our populace and it’s all because of Obama. But you can help us fund critical research to combat the spread of DB3. For just a $40 tax deductible contribution you can join other soon-to-be committed Wing Nuts and purchase a Red White and Blue DB3 tee shirt. If you love Merle Haggard, NASCAR, Jesus, John Wayne, your momma, and Barbeque, you’ll love the DB3 collectible all cotton Trump tankini. For only $25 more you can add a matching “You’re Fired!” MAGA ball cap. Order yours now.

So adorable and chokably loyal.

Thank you, my fellow patriots.

Dr. Evil, MD

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405. Static Electricity Explained

Image result for static electricity imagesEveryone has pulled off a sweater on a dry winter night and seen tiny greenish yellow sparks fly. Do not worry, kids. It’s harmless static electricity jumping about from one fabric to the other. This results from the imbalance of positive and negative atomic charges. Let me explain for the layman reader:

if a proton goes shopping and runs up his Visa card balance on a bunch of electronics, like a big screen t.v. and a new cell phone, when the bill comes in the mail, his neutron partner will explode all over him for his ridiculous irresponsibility and selfishness. Image result for man in an electronics store

She will defend the integrity of the atom to the fissionable end, even threatening to take the baby electrons with her in a nasty divorce if her protean husband does not take all that crap back to Best Buy right now. Now, the proton, being maleish, refuses to repent and return his new toys. He cites the literature about imminent domain, the 14th amendment, and male authoritarian leadership of the family dynasty. He pouts and says things that make no sense, simply fueling the neutron to further rain down sulfuric hell fire balls on him.

Image result for pouty faced peyton manning imagesRest assured, kids, sparks not only fly in the atomic marital gaps (like a huge welding shop on a federal contract.Pow!!) but it can become an electrical storm of a fireworks finale on the 4th of July. Frighteningly Frilling.

Each illuminated static electric pinprick is actually an electronic syllable as the proton is beaten down by the neutron at a rate of 18 to 1, roughly the exchange rate between the Honduran Lempira and the U.S. dollar. Whoops! in the time it took to Google that fact, the rate jumped to 23 to 1. It’s not a fair match, mind you. No, more like a mugging by Muhammad Ali versus the pre-sparkle gloved Michael Jackson.

Image result for muhammad ali and michael jackson picture togetherNow I know it’s not right to mix metaphors and use entangled analogies, but that’s where the fun is, Momma. If you stay on the beaten path, sure, people get your message in a safe, efficient manner; however, if you run through the brambles, you get all cut up and might find some fresh raspberries while the path plodders apply layers of Deep Woods Off. As you forge a new path, the safe ones roll on in their antiseptic hamster ball of protection. I don’t know what that means, but I like how it sounds. However, at some core planet in your inner universe also coexists a form of static– the pops and sizzles of different synapses pounding out novel neural pathways, i.e., the static in the attic.

Image result for man and woman arguing pictureBack to the other static. In the real world mental static can build up inside the brains of arguing marital partners. When really it’s just an imbalance of positive and negative atomic charges. Take the husband, for example. No, put him back. The husband may make some innocuous comment about the price of milk, for instance. Only to be met by a flurry of leading questions from the wife. “What do you know about food prices? When was the last time you went shopping. You don’t even drink milk. Why don’t you drink more water? Do you want to die of dehydration and leave me a young but unmarriageable widow?”

Image result for picture of man drinking waterWhat do you do with that?  First, take a long, slow drink of water. Then deconstruct the mosquito swarm of interrogation with a cleverly relevant compliment. “Honey, you’d be more marriageable than Elizabeth Taylor if I should die of my stupid lack of hydration because I know nothing about shopping or milk. I am not worthy of your tender concern.”

Well, that’s unlikely to be uttered. But, if like a neutral cotton shirt grounds a charged polyester sweater in 8% relative humidity, the clever husband did utter such balderdash and calmed his long suffering wife, this would be an example of harmless grounding of static. Perhaps there would be a slight zap when either party reached for a bedroom doorknob, but that’s a better outcome than the nuclear option.

You see there are actually at least two forces that hold together neutrons and protons in atoms. I don’t expect you to believe me. I don’t believe myself, so I Googled again.

Opposites attract, likes repelAs my chart makes clear, a proton and an electron will attract each other. The closer they are together, the stronger this attraction will be. Two protons (or two electrons) will repel each other. And again, the closer together they are, the stronger the repulsion. Now the nucleus of an atom is positively charged, while electrons are negatively charged. As a result, a nucleus will attract electrons. These electrons will swarm around the nucleus, and the result is an atom.

Image result for nuclear fission imagesHopefully by now it is becoming clear to the reader that men tend to run away from the nucleus while women hold it together with overwhelming nuclear energy known by physicists as quarky charm. The trick involves how many electrons (children) a couple has between them. Studies show that if a man has more than ten children with a neutron partner, he is just too tired to leave. He cannot break through the static bond created by ten kids swirling all around day and night. He’s gonna be exhausted by brunch. The negative charge of the children cancels the positive charge of the proton dad, thus defaulting to the core nucleus being run by the supercharged neutron mom.

And that’s static electricity. Next time I will explain gravity. Till then, I’m goin’ to Jackson…

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,
We’ve been talkin’ ’bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out.
I’m goin’ to Jackson, I’m gonna mess around,
Yeah, I’m goin’ to Jackson,
Look out Jackson town.

But they’ll laugh at you in Jackson, and I’ll be dancin’ on a Pony Keg.
They’ll lead you ’round town like a scalded hound,
With your tail tucked between your legs,
Yeah, go to Jackson, you big-talkin’ man.
And I’ll be waitin’ in Jackson, behind my Jaypan Fan,