549. The Lectins are Coming!

Image result for lectins picturesWe went to Ruby Tuesday’s after a couple hours of dancing, just for a snack and a drink, and to catch up on the past week with Wayne and Jackie, our new almost in-laws. Our kids married in October past, as the three aphid readers of this blog know already. Late on Friday at Ruby Tuesday’s, 9:30 or so when we arrived, the place was emptying out and we were tired. “Just one glass of red wine”, said Wayne. It  was agreed… maybe a large one.

Wayne opened up about Dr. Gundry, had we ever heard of him? I assumed it was a continuation of Jackie’s report on Trivia Night, how no one could match the unfamous woman with her “first” in history. Perhaps Dr. Gundry was a feminist researcher in Nairobi who had researched tsetse flies.Image result for doctor evil pictures

“No, never. Who is this person?”

“He’s a doctor of nutrition.”

Jackie added, “Zach says he’s a quack. He googled him and said he’s a quack, Wayne.”

“He might be a good quack, like the AFLAC duck, you know. He’s there to protect us from lost wages in the event of an injury.”

“So this guy does insurance commercials?”Image result for aflac duck gif

“No, but I think he’s got something worth listening to, so I’ve been watching his videos on YouTube. He does these talks about the food we eat and how it actually is killing us.”

“Wayne, I just turned 62. I don’t think food is killing me at this moment. I am killing the food.”

“Like, five raw red beans can kill you. Unless you pressure cook them like the Italians do.”

“Really? Silent red assassins.” Image result for lectins pictures

“Yeah, Dr. Gundry says that…”

“Wait, I have it on google, here…

‘According to his book, it’s not only about that awful gluten that we have heard so much about but about a whole class of “highly toxic, plant-based proteins called lectins” of which gluten is a member. He says that “lectins are found not only in grains like wheat but also in the ‘gluten-free’ foods like … many fruits, vegetables, nuts, beans and conventional dairy products,” which “many of us regard as healthy.” After consumption, they “incite a kind of chemical warfare in our bodies, causing inflammatory reactions that can lead to weight gain and serious health conditions.'”

“Yeah!! That’s it.”

“Honey, could you read that again? a flock of geese interrupted my hearing there.”Image result for a flock of geese pictures

“Now, listen. It’s maybe, well some of it is far fetched, but a lot of what he says makes sense. Like adult men should not eat peanuts or cashews. They’ll give you cancer.”

“Oh, crap! I wondered why Erin sent me that nut collection for my birthday. Revenge!! I’ve been poisoned by my first born. [Gag, hack, cough.]Luckily the antidote is beer.” [Gulp.]Image result for cashew nut pictures

“Dr. Gundry says that plants and animals have evolved to stay alive longer and lectins work to protect them from predators. Then, or now, the genetically modified foods have extra lectins injected into them for a longer shelf life. So we are poisoning ourselves.”

“I’m trying to visualize the process of injecting individual peanut halves with a syringe full of lectin juice. It just seems too tedious to me.”

“This is where the Chinese come in. There are like nine billion Chinese with nothing to do because of pollution and robots. So Dr. Gundry says that in secret labs billions of Chinese and North Korean slaves are doing the injections. It’s unbelievable.”Image result for syringes injecting nuts with chemicals pictures

“Where are these labs, Wayne? Surely our satellites would find them. You can’t hide nine billion slaves very easily.”

“I know, it’s coming to me through the honking and quacking geese and duck noises…”

“Where? You don’t have to be so dramatic!”

“Drum roll please, Lectinschtein.”Map of Liechtenstein

“Funny. I almost spit my wine at you. Don’t joke when my mouth is full.”

“My mother’s maiden name was Bridenstein, like the bride of Frankenstein. Wouldn’t that make a cool name for a craft beer?”

“Oh yeah. Who would be the model on the bottle?”

“Hmmm, maybe Dr. Gundry’s wife.”Image result for frankenstein beer label

“Okay, keep laughing at me till your inflammation adds sixty pounds to you. You know Dr. Gundry did a study or talked about what happens when human feces are placed in mice after the mice have had rodent specific colonoscopies.”Image result for lab mouse pictures

“And?”

“And the mice swelled up like hippopotamuses.”Image result for hippo pictures

“So?”

“So that proves that our colons are bursting with lectins, inflaming our bodies and killing us.”

“Wayne, this is not a chemical issue; it’s mechanical.”

“What do you mean?”

“Human feces alone are larger then a whole mouse, so naturally if you jammed one up a mouse hole it would inflate and explode,  killing the mouse and leaving a smelly mess behind, or a behind mess, as you will.”Image result for coal slurry accidents pictures

“We found a dead mouse in our front hall closet. Uh, the stink. I washed all the garments and set out baking soda in a dish. Such a nasty smell.”

“Yeah, the worst. We had one die inside a wall once. Had to drill out the plaster to remove the carcass.”

“Another case of lectincide. Did you find any red beans or cashews strewn about the crime scene?”

“You’re gonna put this in the blog, aren’t you? I can just see the wheels turning.”Image result for tony soprano pictures

“Maybe, but I need to know where Dr. Gundry came from, how he became obsessed with lectins. Hmmmm.”

“I can google him for you.”

“NO! Don’t disrupt the process. I don’t want any facts to get in the way of a good fiction. Let’s see, he was found washed up on the Isle of Orkney wrapped only in a blanket from Ikea. It was always assumed he was Swedish, since he came from the sea and the Scotswoman who found him was past child bearing years, she took the infant to a wet nurse on the inlet of Grand Cairn Firth. When the wet nurse saw the woman and her little sea biscuit of a boy, she said, “Why ere you here, me dear? Why errant you suckling him?”Image result for orkney island beaches

“Why I’ve Gun Dry, missy.”Image result for withered old crone pictures

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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