You can’t swing a witch’s broom around without hitting a conspiracy theory these days. Remember the 3 million illegal voters who changed clothes at the voting sites to pump up the Hillary votes in California? After a thorough investigation by bootlicker former Kansas attorney general Chris Kobach, he didn’t either. They just disappeared again! Dang, they are some crafty phantom voters.
In 2018, a judge also overturned the restrictive voter ID law that Kobach had championed, saying he failed to provide evidence that it was necessary or that there had been widespread voter fraud.
What’s most surprising to me is that Kobach did not launch another investigation into voter fraud after he lost his election. That would have been even better if the conspiracy theorist launched a voter fraud investigation into his own losing campaign as a conspiracy. Hmmm, who would hire a guy like that? Oh, yeah, the Loser in Chief, author of the Cheato Diet, #45.
[Editor’s note: the first dumb and dumber photo is Trump and Kobach.]
I like to get into the etymology of words to unlock their meanings. Let’s do this with conspire. Con- means “with or together”; spire comes from the Latin verb spirare, “to breathe”. If you put them together, you get “breathe together” or “to be of one spirit”. When I imagine a conspiracy I think of a group of pirates or criminals breathing together, chatting in hushed tones. “Now, no one else can know what we’re doing here. It’s illegal and nefarious, so the fewer the better, maties.” That’s a conspiracy. Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no piracy in conspiracy. It’s just a weird coincidence that sailors and sea robbers where once called pirata.
Anyway, in our book club’s recent selection on American conspiracies there were a baker’s dozen minus one of conspiracies. We had the birth of income tax/federal reserve in 1913; Pearl Harbor in 1941; JFK and MLK’s assassinations; 9/11; AIDS and much more. The thing about conspiracies is similar to mythology: you can’t prove or disprove it… unless you get science involved and go through rigorous examination. But who needs that kind of energy investment? Aint nobody got time for that! So we throw a bunch of crap against the wall and see what sticks. “There’s our proof!!! It’s linkage, so it is.”
The following is a conspiracy theory interview with Norman Poorman, conspiracy theorist. Today’s topic comes from 1963, the JFK assassination.
“Please, Norman, slow your emotional roll and explain it in simple terms.”
Deep breath. “I don’t like to go slow. It takes the carbonation out of my juice. That’s exactly what the CO2 lobby wants.”
“Okay. So Jack Ruby once served LBJ a whiskey in his bar in Dallas.”
“And Ruby later shot Oswald as the cops were taking him to court.”
“Yes, we have photographic evidence which proves that beyond doubt.”
“And Oswald killed Kennedy.”
“So the Warren Report concluded after an exhaustive study of the testimony and evidence of hundreds of folks.”
“Right. So there’s the link from Kennedy to Oswald to Ruby to Johnson.”
“Okay, you have a link. But by your “logic” everyone Jack Ruby served a drink in his bar has a link to Kennedy’s assassination.”
“But LBJ had the most to gain from Kennedy’s death. Plus it was his home state where he could control all the investigators.”
“True. LBJ grew up in and represented the state of Texas forever before he became JFK’s unlikely Vice President. They did not like one another.”
“See. There’s the proof. LBJ hated Kennedy, so he orchestrated all these folks to kill him in Dallas. Plus he was in the car behind Kennedy so he had an alibi.”
“And your theory rules out everyone else who hated Kennedy and might gain from his death?”
“Duhhh!! Conspiracy theories don’t rule stuff out. They are inductive. They are like vacuum cleaners– they suck up a lot of stuff and the truth is in there. Somebody on the fringe has to go through it all and sort out the pattern. [In sotto voce, i.e. Italian whispers] Our government can’t be trusted. They’ve been compromised. Local police too. Academics are even worse. They are on the payroll of the One World Government crew. Only a handful of really special patriots like me can know these secrets. Otherwise it’s just general knowledge.”
“Norm, how is this any different from gossip?”
“Are you flippin’ kiddin’ me? Gossip is petty stuff. Nobody cares about whether you embezzled a few thousand dollars or had an affair with your sister in law. That’s so much chump change in the bigger scheme of things, Dude. Conspiracies involve HUGE issues, cover ups, byzantine plots, double agents, false flags, and stuff like that. Most of my favorite conspiracies are global, man. Like multinational intrigue with cabals, secret societies, and secret treasures buried under old churches.”
“I think I saw that movie with Nicholas Cage, right?”
“It was based on a true story.”
“No it wasn’t. Nick Cage movies are always fake.”
“That’s what they want you to think.”
“Norm, who are THEY?”
“The conspirators, the Illuminati, Masons, World Council, Rockefeller Triumvirate, and the Pope/NATO alliance. They are the they. ”
“Like The Davinci Code with all the intrigue and the pope gets murdered and then the guy takes the ticking bomb off in a helicopter and returns three days later as the New Messiah?”
“Exactly. Based on another true story.”
“Norm, it’s a book of fiction, that means NOT TRUE.”
“No, there’s where you’re wrong. Non fiction is not true. Fiction is true. Look it up.”
“Norm, I don’t need to look it up. Non fiction is true stuff; fiction is made up stuff.”
“Oh, I see. They’ve gotten to you too.”
“No, I’m coming at you with facts, Bro. Just ask a librarian.”
“Sure. Is that your code word? Are you recording this?”