730. To All The People I Never Met or Hardly Knew

“I don’t text or use email. In fact, I hate to write stuff down. It creates a paper trail, which is why I have forbidden any transcripts or recordings from My Real White House. com, because all they do is make for legal haggling and meddling later on. Who needs that headache? My presidential library will be a wall of televisions locked on Fox News.Image result for trump watching tv pictures

“So today as Melania was dictating holiday greetings to Stephanie Grisham for our thousands and thousands of closest friends, I thought, you know, I thought of all the folks I never met or hardly knew. Like that song that Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson sang, ‘To All the Girls I Loved Before’.

To all the girls I’ve loved before
Who traveled in and out my door
I’m glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I’ve loved before
To all the girls I once caressed
And may I say, I’ve held the best
For helping me to grow, I owe a lot, I know
To all the girls I’ve loved before
The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I tried to stay
The winds of change continued blowing
And they just carried me a way
To all the girls who shared my life
Who now are someone else’s wife
I’m glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I’ve loved before
To all the girls who cared for me
Who filled my nights with ecstasy
They live within my heart
I’ll always be a part
Of all the girls I’ve loved before
The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I tried to stay
The winds of change continued blowing
And they just carried me wayImage result for playboy bunnies in christmas hats pictures
“And I thought, ‘What a nice card to send them on Christmas. Ivanka, Marla, Stormy, Karen, and all those women named in the class action suit against me for molesting them in a tent at a pageant, or on a bus without much fuss, with a goat in a boat, in just a bra at a day spa, on a plane with a cane, at a bungalow outside Moscow, with a feel on a seal, on a train with a stranger, on the floor in a store, or a mid-teen with Jeffrey Epstein. I know they’d just love a card with my EKG needle signature in black Sharpie. Perfect!
“I thought, you know, I thought it could be like the ‘Cat in the MAGA Hat’ and I could make a lot of money cause that’s what I do. I make money. I am so rich that I forget how rich I am. And I’m smart, like really smart cause I went to the best schools and my grades are the best, but I’m being audited and can’t release them, but I really want to. Trust me. Nobody wants the truth more than I do. Image result for Trump in MAGA hat images
“Anyway, I thought I’d send one to Paul Manafort, even though I hardly knew him and he barely worked for me. I thought I’d add a line from that old song, “I beg your garden, I never promised you a rose pardon”. Classy, eh? Sucker.
“And that lawyer rat Michael Cohen. A lot of people are saying I knew him, but I don’t know. We’ll see.  Maybe a card with a train on the front and some seasonally appropriate lyrics inside.
Image result for christmas train images
When I was just a baby my mama told me son
Always be a good boy don’t ever play with Huns
But he shot a man on Fifth Ave just to watch him die
When I hear that whistle blowin’ I hang my head and I cry.
“Nice! I just couldn’t fit that into a tweet.
“And Rudy, Rudy what’s his name? Maybe something like a Ukrainian nesting doll frontispiece with clever words on the inner panel.Image result for ukrainian nesting dolls pictures
“So Rudy could cover up Rick Perry, who could cover up Sondland who could cover up Volker who could cover up Nunes who could cover up Parnas who could smear the Bidens. Maybe I could make that a chain letter that those co-conspirators send to each other as each one is indicted. God I’m funny.
“Jeffrey Epstein, well, return to sender there. I wonder how he’s doing in Hell? I should call him. Mick, call Epstein at Trump Hell Towers. Wish him a Merry Christmas from me, will ya?
“Oh, Prince Andrew, another guy I’ve never known. What do you send to an unemployed royal? Hmmm. One of those bear skin hats. Perfect!!
Image result for royal british guards
“I’m getting into the spirit now. Those NATO bullies don’t know who they’re mocking. Why, in Norway, Trump is Norwegian for Santa if you say it fast. Let’s see, who else loved me and I betrayed?  Jeff, uh what was his last name? Yes! Sessions. He always reminded me of an elf, so he gets an elf card.
Image result for jeff sessions elf images
“Merry Christmas, my little recuse of an elf. You left me before I could leave you. I gave you the best ears of my life, you little bastard!
“Yes, now I see why people enjoy Christmas so much. It’s a chance to get revenge for all the petty grievances I have stored up all year long in my stockings.
“Chuck and Nancy and Shifty Schiff,  (this has to be the cleverest)Related image
Up on the housetop, reindeer mutiny
Out jumps good ol’ Comrade Putiny
Down through the internet with lots of noise
All for the cretinous, Christmas joys
Ho, Ho, Ho! Who didn’t vote?
Yo, Yo, Yo, I’ll just gloat…
Up on the desktop, click, click, click
Down comes democracy brick by brick 
“God it’s great to be me! The fox in the hen house, the snake in the bird’s nest, and the wolf in the rabbit’s den. What’s so exhilarating is my people can’t get enough of me. They want to rub my bare baboon butt for good luck, and I let them. It’s a win-win… though I ‘ve never met nor hardly know them.”Image result for trump smirks gif

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