729. Retire Mints

Image result for retirement imagesYes, it’s been on my mind for the past year now– my upcoming retirement from my second career as a counselor. Sixteen years of private practice after 23 years of teaching middle school English, or river otter herding as I fondly recall it.  And true to my inspirational form I am sucking on peppermint Life Savers as I slaver over the moments ahead and savor those behind… whatever that means to blog reading minds like yours. In my career counseling class back in grad school the prof used to call it re-tire, i.e., putting on a new set of tires for the next adventure in life. I guess it was a cute verbal trick if you were doing an overnight infomercial selling snow tires to old folks whose doctors were about to take their operator’s licenses. Anyway, it stuck with me for thirty years, and now I’m the old dude watching the infomercial, mumbling, “Well, Ethel, maybe we should re-tire.”

“Who’s Ethel?” my wife asks, causing me to awaken from my spacey reverie.

“She’s Lucy’s best friend, Fred’s wife on ‘I Love Lucy'”.Image result for lucy and ethel pictures

“Okay, so what’s she got to do with us here and now as I eat gluten free organic popcorn and you drink your velvety hot chocolate?”

“Oh, nothing. You just happened to catch me thinking for a change.”

“This is a rare occasion. Should I get some champagne and a photographer? Usually you claim dissociation or alien abduction. What’s the deal this time?”Image result for photographer and champagne pictures

“Well, we’re both retiring at the end of next year, right?”

“Yes, unless the world blows up and we lose our pensions, social security, 401K’s, and all other funding streams.”

“Yeah, so if that does occur, I have a foolproof remedy to cushion the blow.”

“You do?”

“Yes, I’ve been studying demographic and economic trends.”Image result for demographic trend charts pictures

“Oh here we go! Your stats are for Japan.”

“Now I never said they were U.S.A. trends. Just hear me out before you go ‘Here we go!'”

“Why should I?”

“Cause it’s in the marriage contract.”Image result for marriage contract images


“Here in paragraph two:  You promised to love, honor, and survive. And this is about post apocalypse survival.”

“No, I promised to serve not survive.”

“You can’t serve is you don’t first survive. Right? It’s implied in the concept, a priori.”

“Oh for goodness sakes! What’s your economic/demographic idea?”Image result for angry woman face gif

“I’m not sure I like your tone.”

“You’ll like it after I beat you with the iron skillet.”

“Okay, alright already. I can take the subtle hint of kitchen murder. Are you ready?”

“I’m ready to kill you again!”Related image

“Here’s the plan: we repackage pink and blue peppermint Lifesavers as Retire Mints. We test market them in Florida for starters to build the buzz. In our fake labels we suggest that the thrills and spills of youth can be attained by regular use of these “life enhancing” mints. We contract with some bankrupt celebrities to do radio and television ads for Retire Mints. Like, uh, Millie Vanilli  or Toni Tennille or Billy Ray Cyrus. We launch an aggressive campaign that promises in a sultry female voice “80 is the new 60 with Retire Mintssssss.” We get a jingle from Barry Manilow… ‘Oh Retire Mints, you came and you gave without taking…’Image result for barry manilow images

“Huh?  You like it right?”

“Go on. Tell me more.”

“Why are you filming me now. Is that on video?”season 5 bet GIF by Real Husbands of Hollywood

“Yes. I want to make sure I’m getting it all down for, uh, marketing later on.”

“Oh Baby! I knew you’d get it. I know I’ve had some crazy schemes in the past, but this one is the Grand Salami of all cured meats.  I mean, once we conquer Florida, it’s off to Palm Springs and Colorado Springs and Hot Springs. Why we can piggy back on to all the Baby Boomer themes out there and make some real bank. I’m picturing a lithe 20 something with a boom box on her bare shoulder asking “How do I look so good?” And the jam comes on, “Retire Mints, Boomer. Okay, Boomer?”Taylor Swift Shake It Off Video NeonLights S, woman in red and black hoodie carrying boombox on her shoulder transparent background PNG clipart

“Keep dancing around with that couch pillow on your shoulder like that. Yeah, work it, Boomer.”

“Honey, I can’t believe you are so into my idea. I don’t want to start a fight, but I really expected more push back from you. I love you so much. Am I dreaming?”

“Actually I’m recording this for a competency hearing next week. I’ve been in touch with Joel and he assures me that payback like all revenge is a green vegetable best served late and cold.”Image result for evil woman face gif

“What?!? You have been conspiring with Joel? But he– But I– No, no. It was all a ruse on your part. You let me go on and on with my scheme, and you FILMED it all for court?!?”

“Yes. It’s about time that someone put you in your place, Burrito. Joel told me to read ‘Some Kind of Vegetable’, and that was my last straw. I snapped and began planning this revenge. It was not hard to lure you into my lair. I just had to uh-huh and um you into heights of grandiose delusions. How does it feel to be snared in your own foolish trap?”Related image

“Actually, I like my women a little on the devious side, so it feels kind of sexy, Baby. Exciting. Exhilarating, like Retire Mints. C’mon, Baby. This could be big. It’s a slam dunk. Don’t listen to Joel. He’s Mister Actuarial, Risk Aversive. I’m a silky black wild steed galloping through the hinterlands, caution be damned!”

“I know, that’s why I upped the life insurance on you to a million bucks. That’s my post apocalypse plan. It’s tax free to grieving widows and soooo convenient.”

“But Honey, I’m not dead. I mean, not yet.”

“JOEL.”Image result for sean connery indiana jones 4 pictures

“Hello, Burrito old chum.”

“Joel, you knew! and, what? No, the Mossberg over/under trap rifle!! Are you a co-conspirator?”

“You had this coming, Burrito. It’s time to pay up. Sara and I are going to split the insurance after the death certificate is issued. As a representative board member of your bank, I want to thank you for paying off your bills in a timely manner. ”

“Joel, you’re forgetting one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“You are a terrible shot. I have an 85% chance of not being wounded by you, according to my last blog post. So the question is, are you feeling lucky, Punk?”Image result for dirty harry final scene stills

“Why, you… I’ll give you a  head start and then I’ll blast you to smithereens or the Smithsonian. Whichever is closer.”

“After all we’ve been through, you would shoot me like a clay pigeon?”

“For a half a million bucks, yes.”

Sara, “I never said how we’d split the payout, Joel. I was thinking 90-10 my way.”

“Forget her, Joel. I’ll  give you 70-30 your way. I insured you to insure her to insure me. Not only will you be 7 times richer, you’ll be able to sing, ‘I Shot Him My Way’. And I will even shoot myself.”

“You will? That’s very thoughtful of you, Burrito. Here, I hate the mess of blood and spatter. Plus, truth be told, I am not a very good shot.”Image result for soldier surrendering rifle pictures

“Thank you. Now that I have the Mossberg, I’ll be calling you both a chaplain for your last confession. Don’t try to run: I am a crack shot. I can shoot a Retire Mints salesman at 1,000 yards.”









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