Those readers familiar with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous will immediately realize that the following steps are a bogus parody of said steps. I’m not sure why I blame my buddy Joel for this corruption, but the idea came to me while talking with him this morning over various and sundry items. Likely some Trump dumping involved in the convo as well. Maybe the following suggestions could be Narcissists Anonymous’ 12 Steps to nonrecovery.
Step 1. I realized that I was all powerful over all things and the world would be a more manageable place if it would just listen to me… so I ran for President.
[With our stable genius in mind, here is the section in Step one on bankruptcy…]
No other bankruptcy is like this one. Power becomes the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self insufficiency and all will to resist its demands. Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete. Away we go.
Upon entering N.A., I perceived that only through utter unabridged power and lying was I able to take my first steps toward liberation and strength. Personal power is the firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives are built. Look at me: I make deals and build stuff.
Step 2. I came to believe that no Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
Yes, I was almost too smart for my own good. I loved to be called precocious. I excelled in the best schools ever, always first in my class. My grades are under audit, however, so I cannot release them, but I will soon after I become dictator for life. Since I was brighter than all others, the spoils of a capitalist world were mine for the taking. My big brain replaced the God of all others.
Step 3. I made a decision to turn my will over to this God of megalomania and self sufficiency–Me, Emperor Hubris, the First.
I feel sure that N.A. is the only safe harbor for the super powerful battleship that I have become. If this is not turning one’s life over to a newfound Providence, then what is? Plus, the goddesses are hot… and you can grab’em by the you know what, and they let you!! Cuz you’re a God. It’s fantastic.
Step 4. I made a searching and fearless material inventory of myself.
You know what I found? I’m rich, like really rich in the same way that I’m really smart. From a small loan of a nickel from my father Tiberius Fred I built an Empire the likes of which the world has never seen nor will again. Like my tax returns.
Step 5. I admitted to myself, my God and others the exact nature of my Rights.
By learning to confess the sins of others, I found my way to a higher level of rectitudinousness. When I founded N.A., for the first time I stood among other less exceptional humans and demigods who seemed to understand the thrilling burden of my greatness. Another great dividend of confiding my Rights to others was Humility– a word often misunderstood. And I am very good with words. Humility to me means fully telling others how great I am. The root word HUM means to vibrate one’s vocal cords/lips and ility means great stuff in Norwegian. So when you put the two together, you get humming about great stuff or humility. I ghost wrote David Bowie’s Fame song, but a non disclosure agreement prevented me from gloating about it during his life. He really loved me while we jammed together at Studio 54.
Fame, makes a man take things over
Fame, lets him loose, hard to swallow
Fame, puts you there where things are hollow (fame)
Fame, it’s not your brain, it’s just the flame
That burns your change to keep you insane (fame)
Step 6. I am entirely ready to inject even more assets into my solid gold character. Why not? I’m just getting better.
Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn’t strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purposes. When they drive us blindly or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures…. that’s when we’re kickin’ it and the world wants to be me. I’ve had other billionaires– Russian oligarchs and Saudi princes– offer to rent my life for 1o million dollars an hour. You know what I told them? I’m not a hooker.
See character is just an accumulation of achievements where the end justifies the means. Annette Funicello wrote that in a book I read once. So, even if you were born on home plate like I was, the thing is that I still hit a grand slam, even if I never faced one pitcher. It doesn’t matter how you get to Maralago; it’s all about being there. That’s character.
Step 7. Boldly ask myself how great I am.
I like to do this often so I can keep refining my platinum image. Brilliant. You know, it’s not enough for me to succeed; all my critics must fail. So I do some pretty good savaging of others who cross me. Look at Rosie O’Donnell. Yeah, I blew her up. And Obama? I dump on him like toilet paper, and trust me, I use a lot of toilet paper in a day.
Step 8. Made a list of everyone who harmed me and forced them to recant.
Let me tell you something: I got a list a mile long. Roy Cohn taught me well. The Clintons are at the top. The lying media is tied for first. Congress, I hate them and will dissolve them soon. I’ll keep the Senate because I want to go to Toga Tuesdays where I address them in the remodeled chambers. Then after lunch we’ll have gladiator fights on the mall. I think it would be beautiful if the House members were forced into mortal combat to the death. You know, Nancy Pelosi kills off Shifty Schiff only to be stuck in the back by that Maxine Waters who gets shanked by Elijah Cummings. Oh, the Humanity!! I’m giddy with anticipation.
Step 9. Directly confront the listees and injure them wherever possible.
Step 10. Continue with the fearless self inventory. I’m skipping this step because that’s up to my accountants and lawyers. Plus, I’ll have a layer of plausible deniability built in to that formula.
Step 11. Pray to myself fervently that only my steel will may be carried out further.
Step 12. To spread the practices and philosophy of N.A. to other misunderstood geniuses.
Covfefe! Quid pro quo.
Emperor Hubris Maximus