698. A Bridge Too Far

Image result for scaramucci and alisyn camerota picturesThe inimitable Mooch, Anthony Scaramucci, former White House Press Secretary for 11 seconds, has spoken: “If the President continues on this path of reprehensible, racist, Neanderthalish outrage, then I will no longer support him.”

When Alisyn Camerota pushed him for the exact exit number where Mooch would leave the Donald J. Trump Highway, he could not or would not get specific. You know, cuz that’s when you paint yourself into a legal, moral or ethical corner and you have to follow through or be seen as an irredeemable liar. Donald Trump's Adopt-A-Highway sign on the Henry Hudson

A.C. “One more racist tweet? Will that be enough?”

Mooch “We’ll have to see.”

A.C. “Another Neanderthal boulder bashing? Another Charlottesville debacle? Does he have to lead a Klan cross burning in front of an historically Black church in Charleston?”

Mooch, looking for a way out of a definitive answer. “I, I don’t know. We’ll see, we’ll see.”Image result for scaramucci and alisyn camerota pictures

A.C. “What if he actually does shoot that hypothetical person on Fifth Avenue, only it’s no longer hypothesis but reality. Let’s say it’s any one of the four Congresswomen he has already attacked. Will you finally sanction him and withdraw your blind support of everything he does?”

Mooch “That’s a tough one, Alisyn. They have it coming. They are socialists and hate America. Plus they are dark women. And two of them are Muslims… so, I mean the President would be within the castle doctrine to use deadly force when someone like that is invading his home, our home, the good old U.S. of A.”Image result for trump miming shooting a gun photos

A.C. “You have to be shitting me!!! You are sanctioning the murder of a fellow American citizen?”

Mooch “Now, wait a second. What is your ethnicity?  I mean you are a pretty blonde white woman and you say you’re Italian from Jersey, but have you done a DNA test to exonerate yourself? Like Elizabeth Warren, you know. She said she was native American, but Donald called her out into the deep end of the gene pool and it turned out she couldn’t swim there. Remember that? And that’s what I love about the guy: he’s got the biggest cajones in the business. Unsinkable with all that blubber buoyancy. You can’t drown him in bad press or red ink. The unsinkable DJT. We gotta name a carrier after him. I mean McCain got a ship, which really pissed off the boss, lemme tell you.”Related image

A.C. “Anthony, I cannot believe my ears. Your words are like a fully loaded Amtrak passenger train slamming head on into a burning freight train full of depreciated soy beans at 90 miles an hour in my cerebral cortex. People and crops are exploding everywhere and you calmly talk about your terminal point of revulsion being just a bit further on. Well, that’s a bridge too far for humanity, Moochie, and I’m voting with humanity. What is your limit?  When do you peel away from this monstrous madman?”Image result for furious alisyn camerota photos

Mooch “Now, Ally baby girl, hyperbole can only get you so far, like the White House. Hah hah. But seriously, there has to be a code of decency in the media, which is why the President calls this outlet and others Fake News. Let’s face it, and KellyAnne can reinforce what I’m saying while she chugs a gallon of Gatorade (amazing circus woman, she can tie a drinking straw in knots with only her tongue while conducting an interview underwater), there has been a vast left wing conspiracy since the beginning to discredit this President. And we don’t need proof to prove that. Everyone knows it. I mean the focus on his personal life and the sexual assaults, the bankruptcies, the infidelity, the avoidance of the draft, the tax cheating, the university, Russia, his mob lawyers….”Image result for trump miming shooting a gun photos

A.C. “Yes, we actually played his own quotes and presented indisputable evidence that had been corroborated to the nth degree, so we are guilty of journalistic due diligence.”

Mooch “Ca’mon Allie. Din’t your mother ever tell you that if you din’t have sumthin nice to say den say nuttin at all? Capiche?”

A.C. “Anthony, we are not back in Bayonne right now, so I’d appreciate you speaking respectfully and professionally during this terribly embarrassing and painful interview.”Image result for scaramucci and alisyn camerota pictures

Mooch “Alisyn, I appreciate your guardrails and I respect you enough to be on your show because you have historically supported my fast talking investment broker style that does not leave a lane open for questions or redirections so that I can segue into unrelated topics that leave you gasping at my slippery elusiveness; I’m a catfish you cannot contain even if you think I’m hooked.”Related image

A.C. “Shut up!! Just SHUT UP Anthony!! You are more fake plastic than my daughter’s Ken doll. Greasier than a diesel mechanic in Herzegovina. Slimier than an oyster bathing in Oil of Olay. Filthier than– uh, uh, I’m sorry. I lost it there.”Image result for scaramucci and alisyn camerota pictures

Mooch “Allie, we’re all under a lot of pressure these days with a roaring economy and threats at all our borders, fear and hatred everywhere. We need to get back to when America was great, when Ronald Reagan made commercials for Boraxo 20 Mule Team soap….”

A.C. “Okay, last time. What would it take for you to abandon the President, Anthony?”

Mooch “Before I can answer that question I need to preface it with a caveat that it’s not just me but many of the President’s friends who will jump ship if this should occur.”

A.C. “Anthony!! Answer the damn question!!”

Mooch “Okay, for me to stop supporting the Donald he would have to–”

BANG! BANG! BANG!Related image

A.C. “Oh my God. Anthony! He’s been shot. Call an ambulance.”

DJT “That won’t be necessary. I just fired the Mooch for the second time, and everyone knows I don’t do second chances unless it’s for me in golf. Just ask my first wife. “Related image

A.C. “But Mr. President, you, you just killed a man on live television, a friend of yours, a supporter who twisted himself into a human pretzel to avoid criticizing you, and, and…”

DJT “Yeah, it’s too bad. He was a terrific guy. But you saw what he was doing to me there. Plus, your ratings aren’t anything I worry about. My people will love me over on Fox no matter what I do. Just wait and see. My ratings will likely increase. There is no bridge too far for my lemmings.”Image result for lemmings jumping off cliff gif


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