687. Rezuewreckshun

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(I) can’t recall when the first episode began, but [I] blew out bipolar sparks and soot from my Mania I star ship all over the dark vastness as {I} crashed into a million zillion shiny pieces twenty years ago. Or was it twenty five? No matter. A school of silver sardines exploded like confetti out of a howitzer across the universe: particles of what had been the Big Bang me swam against the invisible electromagnetic currents of deep space. I am the Big BANG WALRUS. i AM Bangers and mash, mash up TO make up– only to mash up again.

Image result for john lennon headshotsJohn Lennon sang, Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, possessing and caressing me, Jai Guru Deva, Ommmm. A chorus of oohs and aaahs followed. Nothing’s gonna change my world, nothing’s gonna change my  worldwhile  I vaporized off into deep space just inside the rim of a black hole and had to be extricated with inter stellar dental probes…COSMIC PLAQUE… then hospitalized for six empty weeks.  A parade of medications and therapies auditioned like sad clown acrobats Image result for three sad clowns pictures before an inscrutable psychiatrist, in search of balance, that fine lost recipe that I used to have in Grandma’s checkered cook book when she baked sugar cookies for me long ago. I was her good boy then. Then, in the thick lovely then, life made sense and favored me to lick the spoon and clean the mixing bowl with joyous fingers of SWEET batter. 

Image result for tarred and feathered man images[I lost my income and had to go on disability. FACTS.] Inside me, boiling tar guilt was followed by a dump truck load of shamefully shitten chicken feathers. Outside hung the humiliating shapeless yellow gown with no backside. The smallest breeze was a quiet violation, leaving me open to further humiliation. Screwed, I felt screwed in the butt by an invisible Bogomil. Later on I needed ECT to break suicidal depression’s iron grip on my shattered mind. Hundreds of disembodied hands kneaded my doughy brain with knuckles of pain and finger nails of hurt; humiliation slaps and fists of failure were all seared off with lightning bolts until I could complete just     one      four word     sentence, “Please help me, God.”Related image

I have to stop here because… the rest is just too awful. I don’t want to go back there, ever. I can’t do it!! The upside was indescribable as I smoked crack with whores and addicts, hoping for the fire breathing bell ringers when the crack exploded through my skull in a fire hydrant flood of dopamine release. My motel room party partners told me to slow down. I couldn’t brake. I had found the luscious passion fruit of external pleasure, and stoked the molecules of cocaine out of each delirious smoky hit. I was pure id, buzzing with alien energy.Image result for gif of sparking fire

I’m not going back“, I said to no one in particular. As if I had escaped from Death Row, I smoked on and on with no fear of arrest, bankruptcy, divorce, abandonment, injury or death and damnation. I felt bulletproof, which isn’t that hard to achieve when you are the only one shooting bullets. After living in the pits of Hell for months with only suicidal thoughts for company, this alchemical rush was my security salve.  White hot heresy answered my prayer. God would not take my call, but Satan did. OMMMMMMmmmmmmm. No words of praise, just my writhing body worshiped, and reveled in the flames of my own destruction.Image result for funeral pyre gif

After rehab and rehab blab, blab, and more rehab, I relapsed and relapsed and relaxed. Self loathing and shame only last so long, you know. I’d contrive a plan to slip away, to answer the inquiry, “Do you like to party and play?” Oh yeah. My fantasies swirled in familiar pathways, rubbing against my willpower like a black cat in heat. Of course I’d yield to the feelings of anticipatory pleasure; lick my lips in excited expectation; the match could not be unlit. Resistance was obliterated.

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I tried and tried again to live out my perverse fantasies, gas lit by the flames of multiple crack pipes. To mount the scaly magic dragon and fly into ether… never happened. I slipped off every time it reared in recoil mode. Instead of achieving ecstasy, I was robbed and scammed. Stood up. Humiliated by a sadist. Crushed into ashes. Ashen, I had no other option but to fall down on the excrement of my own shame.Image result for faces of shame

I’m not going back“, I said to God. “Only nothingness is there. I have surveyed that desert and found white-boned Death.” Two words resonated in my memory… “only death”. Wasn’t that what I was pursuing? Indirectly I’d invited Death to dance with me on the razor’s edge each time I binged. And yet, I survived. Why? I openly defied every godly thing and smirked at my luck afterwards. Others went down in flames, death, and jail. Not me. No insurmountable consequences. I could still smile at the bank and get a signature loan on the spot. No teller ever guessed I was on my way to buy crack and binge in a sleazy motel with prostitutes of every nation, tongue and flavor.Related image

I’m not going back“, I told myself. Degradation crept up my throat like a python of stomach acid. What had turned me on excitedly now turned to nausea. This time I wanted to feel the disgust thoroughly and trace it across the hearts of my loved ones rather than running out to numb myself again. “You dirty old man” echoed in my memory. I was repulsed by this label. I was old and a man, but dirty? No, I was Grandma’s special boy still despite the ripsaw of grief that cut agonizing kerfs every time I uttered her name. Her death sealed me inside a loveless tomb with nothing left to lose. I’d been lost for decades without her. Flat and dead in spirit. Image result for snake in a man's mouth pictures

Surrect, i needed to be surrected, upright in body and spirit. No erection or injection. Just plain Resurrection with no chaser. For now a safe, waveless harbor surrounds me… pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, caressing and possessing me… Ommmmmm. Nothing’s gonna change my world. Image result for images of heaven














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