332. Warning: Wed Wed Wine Ahead


We were waiting at a Wuby Tuesdays wecentwee when my wife wheelwe wanted a gwass of wine. It had been a wery wong day and when the waitress asked what she wanted, she wepwied, “Wed Wine”.  We waughed and waughed at the wispy wesponse. We fought it would be wonderful fun to wite a wistful post inwolvwing onwee wetter substitutions that awe often found in speech pherwapy, shinsh it’s fun to pway withsh words. A shhsshpeechsh sharwapist oncsh towd me the worwasht shhshhpeechsh impairwament to wectify ish the shhshtupid shshound of the sshhtuck tongue that comes fwom making the “S” shshound wiff the tongue on the woof of your mouff. It musht be to jushtify shhusch a wicked weeaction. I can sschhee this post is going nowherwa fast. Sshcheee, I know these schlings are twue.

 It’shh even morwa amazshing when you shhink about Bugs Bunny and all the other voicshes that Mel Blanc pwoduced. No one found them insshulting or powiticawee incowwect. I’m not shchsuwa that we have cwossed that wine yet where cartoon chawacters awha held to wealwee high mowal wawlues. Has anyone cwaimed that the Woadwunnah bwowing up the Coyote wiff weapons from Acme Fiwahawms and Expwosives caused a school shooting? I need to wesearch that.  Can you even imagine witing those comic scwipts? Or was it all impwovised on the spot?  What a talent! West in peace, Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma Mel. Dats all.

 Much harder to see speech than to hear it.  So my written words will fail to spit and stutter, and lisp and curl the way misspoken words do. As Mr. Fudd would say, “It’s wery, wery difficult to werify. Warwer dan hen’s teeth.” Fortunatwee we have awwl sorts of tools today that Mel Bwanc da, da, de, da, di,di, did not have at his da- da- da- disposal, the internet ba- ba- being a bi- ba- ba- ba- bi- big one…

“I say, I say, I said Son, now put down that there mouse before, I said, before ya’ll get hurt.” Foghorn Leghorn

“Dis ain’t no mouse, Foghorn. Dis is a phone. Wing, wing. It’s for you. Boom! Whoops, did I say a phone?  I meant a bomb. I taught I heard a puddy phone.” Tweety Bird

“Of course, you know this means war.” Daffy

“That’sth justh desthpicable!!” Daffy

Image result for daffy duck pictures

And on an on they go. The king of all cartoon animals, though, is Bugs Bunny. He had it all, the savoir faire, the cheeky humor, the slippery escapes. Unflappable Bugs.

So, what does this all have to do with today? Wine, speech impairments, and beloved cartoon characters?  I don’t know, but I like a challenge.  How could they all come together in an almost believable though purposeless narrative? Let’s see…

Announcer voice: “It’s a lovely night at the Cartoon Academy Awards night gala, live from Ceasar’s Palace in Costa Rica. Your host for this gala is Elmerrrrrrrrrrrrr FUDD. Everyone, put your hands and paws together for Elmer.”

“Thank you wery, wery much. I want to furrrrst of all thank the academy furrr inviting me to speak to awl of you tonight, herwah. Oh my goodness. Dair are surre a wot of you out deir in the dawk, wabbits and wildmen, mice and ducks, and even my werwy good fwiend Woody Woodpecker.”

Applause.

“Thank you all. Now, pwesenting the awawd fower Best Wabbit in a Comedy, is my fwiend and coweague, uh,uh, Mista Powky Pig.”

Applause.

Porky Pig:  “Uh, wa-wa-wa-well, Thanks Elmer, tha-the-the-that was, was so uh, uh, special for me. Whew! Now, the uh, the uh, give me the envelope, uh, pa- pa-pa-  PLEASE!”

Offstage Bugs, “Gazuhnheit, Doc.”

“Thank you. Um the uh, nomina, nominats, nomen-i-i-inknees are– Bugs Bunny for a Rabid uh, a Rabid uh, a Rabbit’s Life. Brer Ra- ra- ra- ra- rabbit for Tales from Uncle Ra- re-ra remus, and Cindy the Playboy Ba- ba- bunny for, uh, um, ra- ra- ratings.”  Tearing, “And the, the , the winner is… Ba ba ba ba bugs Ba ba ba ba bunny.”

Image result for bugs bunny pictures

WILD Applause, Bugs enters drinking a glass of merlot. “Yeeahhh, Whatz up Porky?  Thank you, thank you, please continue. Thank you, thank you.” Sips wine. “There’s nuttin like a good bold merlot to go with a little gold statue.  Achoo!  Bless me. I am flabbergasted to be your choice for, uh, Best Wabbit in a Comedy. Yeeeeah, Humbled by the graciousness of your generosity as well as  up pawled by the fact the, uh, [stage whisper] doity little secret dat Brer Rabbit is in a Ramada Inn right now with Cindy the Playboy Bunny. Whatz up with that? Why couldn’t Brer Rabbit pick up this heyah metal and I get the Bunny Momma?”

Porky, “Eh, eh, Ba ba ba Bugs?  This is, uh, uh, live t.v. here Ba ba Buddy Boy. We ga ga got no time for uh, wa, wa wa dialogue muh mah muh malfunctions.”

Bugs, “Yeeeah, I know, Doc. Soitently. But it’s hard being a lonely hare. I don’t need another cold statue on my mantel. I got no bobbin’ tail to come home to. I need love too, Porkster. ”

Pepe le Pew, “Ah certainmah, mon ami. Oui Oui. Amore is the champagne of life, the effervescence of zee evanescence. Zee ennui of ratatouille. Zee arbonne of se se bonne.”

“Yeah, Doc. I don’t hear French real good or I’d have you arrested.”

Pepe, “Oh pardon, my bonhomie, I mean no such sing of infamy for you. May I ascyst you? On me vivre as a skunk, I pledge to you my undying aplomb.”

“Uh, yeeeeah. I’ll take a large Aplomb and, uh,  a salad with thousand island dressing and a Spwite. Pwease.”

“We are like bruzzers in arms, my little Brodent.”

“Ayyyyy, Doc, I gots a show to finish before we, uh, hug it out. So, Pepe, say it wiss me, ‘That’s All Folks’.”

Dim lights. Bugs exits with merlot…

“Ahhhhh. Full body, a dusky fruitiness mixed with old forest French oak.”

cue up theme song

“Red, red wine
Stay close to me
Don’t let me be alone
It’s tearing apart…my blue, blue heart.”

 

 

 

 

 

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