93. Dastardly Disasters


We sit on the brink of disaster, according to the talking heads on t.v. news. What year is it?  Let’s see, uh November 22, 1963 and thereabouts. The world was ending with the death of Camelot. A young American president with two small kids and a beautiful wife had his head blown off by a mysterious gunman, later assasinated by a former cop dying of cancer. Then as the sixties unwound American society was dying of moral decay due to drug use and rock music. The riots of 1968 were pretty scary. I don’t remember seeing our cities in flames since then with the exception of NYC at 9/11/2001. The antiwar demonstrations back then were posited as the rabble rousing drunk-on-freedom hippies versus the silent hip replacement majority. Richard Nixon was going to save us with law and order and Spiro Agnew, both of whom had to leave office in disgrace. Seems that they both broke the law and order needed to enforce law and order. And then came Watergate, the end of our democracy, as Gerry Ford moved from the back seat to the driver’s seat, while our country hurtled toward the abyss usually reserved for dictators of banana republics, he pardoned Tricky Dick.  Gerry Ford could not shave without cutting himself and yet he led our country through some shaky times after Nixon left office. Yes, indeed. Thanks, Gerry. And we haven’t even gotten to the hostages in Iran (Thanks, Jimmy Carter) or the fall of the Berlin Wall (Thanks, Ron Reagan) or the Challenger disaster (Thanks, NASA). Yes, we have an endless supply of disasters to pick from.

Disasters, dastardly disasters come along regularly. Some are real natural disasters while most are manmade. The current threat is an alien made, perhaps God-ordained disaster, according to my sources close to the holy waters of prophecy near High Rock, Utah. UFOs have been seen again. Yup, they’re at it again. Right in the middle of a national election that is the most important election since the last most important one we had. Here they come to crash the political party. They have released lifelike clones of Mitt Romney and Barack Obama Ken dolls, dropping them all over the country in order to confuse the electorate at this critical time in history. Feel the drama as these collectible dolls march forward in blue suits and matching ties. Each doll comes with a detail of six Secret Servicemen in black suits with built in head sets that really work. Plus, you can order the deluxe bullet proof limo if you order the matching First Lady collection with three designer gowns by Vera Wang. You’ll have hours of fun dressing and undressing your Anne and Michelle First Lady dolls. And, if you use your Visa or Master Card now, you’ll get the cardboard cut out White House dollhouse absolutely FREE!!! You’re interested, admit it.

It’s coming to a television set near you. In thirty years your collectible VP Joe Biden doll will be worth much more than gold. The even rarer Paul Ryan doll may be worth more than that because no one remembers vice presidents unless their matching president is assasinated or resigns in disgrace. If either of these unfortunate outcomes should arise, collectors speculate that a Joe Biden doll could be worth more than a Honus Wagner baseball card, i.e., millions. And a Paul Ryan doll in the original box with his exercise equipment could fetch billions, maybe enough to pay for a year of college in 2042 or a month’s health insurance premium.

I hope that you see the real threat we have on our hands. No matter which candidate is eventually elected, and it could take a while with early voting, absentees, double voters, and provisional votes cast by illegals all needing to be counted, these extras could be stuck in go mode and continue campaigning like some renegade Confederate soldiers who fought in parts of Mississippi until last week. We need to get ahold of Harrison Ford and the guy on 24 to hunt these clones down and exterminate them without taking out the originals.  A flooded market is no good for consumers. You remember what happened with Beanie Babies and the common Barbies? Unspeakable!

Well, you have been warned, Blogwogs. People laughed at Edison and the Wright Brothers and Al Capone. And now look at them…well, they’re all dead. But if they were alive, by Golly, they’d have to be fed their own words of mockery for a few days before they were allowed to moulder in their graves. History validates prophets sometimes if they are right or lucky. Just ask Dan Quayle or the guy who ran with what’s his name? Do you know what a Mike Dukakis doll is going for on e-bay these days?

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